It’s not often one grants an interview with oneself, but as far as format goes, an interview is a pretty good one for capturing my thoughts, feelings, and cravings during this wild time.

I’m not a stranger to pregnancy or Motherhood. I have three kiddos already (Max 10M, Nina 8F and Indigo (Indie) 2M)- my oldest two are from my first marriage and my youngest is with my husband Dan. When Dan and I were discussing whether or not to go for number four, that already seemed like a pretty big brood. Nothing could have prepared me for seeing two little heartbeats flicker on that first ultrasound.

The following interview is my way of holding my own hand through this exciting but often difficult journey. A way to remember how I felt during this time, and perhaps share some insight for other twin Moms-to-be.

Enjoy.

What was your reaction to finding out you were having twins?

Going into the viability ultrasound at 7 weeks, I was actually nervous I was miscarrying again. I had a miscarriage at the same time last year, so I got an HCG blood draw ahead of the scan to calm my nerves. When the number came back around 89,000 mIU/mL (that’s really high, if you’re not familiar), that was my first inkling that multiples were possible.

When the ultrasound tech ran the wand over my belly, both little embryos and sacs flashed across the screen immediately. Seconds later when she said “There’s two!”, everything came tumbling out of me. “That’s too many!”. “Five is too many”. “Shit”. “Fuck”. Tears, maniacal laughter and then the hyperventilating.

So shocked about sums it up. And I wasn’t very excited. I was already worried about my ability to carry another pregnancy at 42 when my last pregnancy had been physically challenging. Doing it with twins? Pretty daunting.

How long were you trying and did you require any medical intervention?

After my miscarriage the previous year, we took about six months off to recover. I was also laid off in that time, so we weren’t comfortable trying from a financial perspective. When we did start back up, we were five months into trying when we ran some bloodwork on both of us just to see where we were at. My bloodwork didn’t show any obvious signs of fertility issues, but Dan’s showed lowered motility in his sperm. That turned out to be a relatively quick fix (glutathione injection to turbo charged his guys), and within a month or two I was pregnant. I also started weekly acupuncture during this time to get my body in a more relaxed state, but no major medical intervention. All in all it was about seven months, not counting the three months we tried prior to the miscarriage.

Do you have twins in your family?

Yes! My Aunt and Uncle are fraternal twins (2 of my Mother’s 4 siblings), but twins never made it into the first cousin generation. Fun fact - identical twins are just a random natural occurrence, but fraternal twins (the result of hyper ovulation) can be genetically pre disposed, but only on the Mother’s side. Age is also a factor, so at 42, my chances had increased.

What is the difference between identical and fraternal twins?

It’s surprising to me that more folks don’t know about the difference, but not everyone has twins in their family or paid much attention in science class! I’ve had multiple people ask me about the differences, so here it goes. The main difference between the two is that identical twins come from one fertilized egg that splits early on, meaning each resulting embryo has the same genetic information. It’s also only possible for identical twins to be boy-boy or girl-girl. With fraternal twins, you have two eggs fertilized by two sperm resulting in two genetically distinct embryos. Fraternal twins are basically siblings that happen to be conceived at the same time. They can be boy-boy, girl-girl or boy-girl.

I’d also like to add that boy and girl refers typically to XY or XX chromosome pairs and the visible sex organs, but there are many variations in chromosomes resulting in intersex babies. Biology is fascinating, and I love going down these rabbit holes when I’m pregnant.

Did you always want a big family and why did you decide to try for number 4 (now 4 and 5)?

Short answer is no for the first question. I came from a family of three, and that felt like a great number for me. My ex preferred going out on top with the two we had, and that was a compromise I was mostly fine with. When we split, I briefly entertained the idea that I might have a third child. I pretty quickly embraced enjoyed my kids 50% of the time, and leading an exciting single life the other 50%. When I met my husband Dan, who didn’t have children, he was fine with whatever direction I wanted to go in. Ultimately, we decided that raising a child together from the very beginning was an adventure we were excited to go on.

Trying for number 4 wasn’t a given. We thought a lot about how it might affect each one of the kids, how much we wanted (or could) handle emotionally/financially/logistically and how it fit with our values and life goals.

We are not a religious family, and we don’t typically see models of large families in the more progressive city we live in. Most large families we came across online leaned into religious foundations when deciding on family size, so finding families where there were other reasons for more than two kids was more challenging. We do know a couple of families with four, and the parents are among the most chill I know, which was helpful information.

Ultimately, our decision to expand our family came down two two major factors. The big one is that we simply find a lot of joy in our kids. All three are such unique and fun individuals in their own ways, and it’s been an incredible privilege to watch a human being become themselves up close, and hopefully, to guide them towards the best version of themself.

The second reason has to do with our unique family blend. Our two oldest split their time between our house and their Dad’s house. They have a counterpart to share that experience with as they grow up. They also adore their younger brother and have so much love to share. Our youngest is the youngest of three half the time and the only child half the time. We thought a lot about him navigating that experience on his own, and spoke with several friends and acquaintances who had been in his position and had felt lonely in that position.

Given what we knew about our kids, some quasi educated guesses about their future experience and the joy we’ve found in parenting together, we made the leap.

What were friend and family reactions?

Overwhelmingly positive. I thought there would be more hesitation or negative reactions, but we have largely felt supported. I am so grateful for the support because this is a pretty intense experience, and not one we were interested in navigating on our own. It’s also been really fun to watch the jaw drops when they hear it’s twins!

What symptoms have you experienced in your first trimester?

What haven’t I experienced! Starting around week 5, I had nausea (all day until week 10, then just at night) and heartburn (all day until week 10, then just at night). Then the following some or all of the time.

Extreme exhaustion (thank goodness work was in a calmer place in those first couple months)

Constipation

Tender nipples

Constant peeing (up to three times at night!)

Increased discharge (sexy)

Burping/Farting (writing that publicly is horrifying)

Food aversions to pretty much everything

Increased thirst (could not get enough water at any point in the day)

Hated any strong smells including my own shampoo

My hands smelled weird at night (that was bizarre!)

Feeling quite down as I could barely do a thing at night

Any change in your sex drive?

Yes and no. When I wasn’t completely nauseated, I thought about it, but the timing didn’t always work out. As my exhaustion kicked in hard around 4pm, I was barely conscious to even consider it. All that said, there were still some opportunities, and it was nice to know that didn’t completely die!

What’s the most supportive thing your husband has done?

Take over a lot of my family life duties. I typically cook dinner and make breakfast for the family, but I was in no shape to do so. He also covered pick up and drop off to daycare for our youngest most days, as it requires you to park and walk a bit to his classroom, something I was struggling to do. He was also my late night hero during the one hour at night where I felt hungry and could eat. He’d make me snacks, do grocery store runs and generally make sure I was fed and hydrated. He’s pretty great.

What has been the biggest change to your daily routine?

Changing of the guard from Mama to Daddy with our youngest. My husband took over a lot of the care for our little guy including bedtime, when I often could not get up off the sofa. That’s been hard on both of us. For me not being able to be fully present for Indie feels like a failure and a fracture of our relationship and for Dan (who never complains) it’s a lot to handle on your own when you’re used to sharing responsibility.

What has been your lowest moment so far?

With my daughter, I had nausea on par with this pregnancy, which is to say pretty bad. I never took anything when I was pregnant with her and just muscled through. This time around, I educated myself more on the risks (and rewards) of Zofran (anti nausea prescription medication), and Dan and I both felt comfortable with me taking it. Prior to taking it and feeling like absolute garbage, having an abortion flashed through my head. That was a pretty extreme thought, but that’s how crappy I felt.

I truly hope the next generation does not experience the lows of pregnancy in the same way I and many others have. Pregnancy can really bring you to your knees (often literally, next to the toilet).

What’s been your highest moment?

It’s not really been one moment, but more of a collection of feelings. Knowing that no matter how tough this is, I will get through to the other side because I am powerful in this state. That and closing my eyes and envisioning the doctors and nurses placing not one, but two, beautiful babies on my chest has been a pretty big high.

Weight gain can be a concern during pregnancy, emotionally and physically. Is that a concern of yours?

Yes, physically. Sort of, emotionally. Physically gaining this amount of weight, especially with twins, in a short amount of time is really hard. I experience a lot of hip pain, back pain and heartburn, which has been progressively worse with each pregnancy. Emotionally, gaining weight pregnancy doesn’t both me. Seeing numbers I don’t typically see doesn’t bother me because I’m not typically pregnant. The aftermath is harder, and my last pregnancy I never lost all of the weight, which I felt a little bummed about, but mostly neutral. I’ve accepted that my body has done amazing things, and when the time is right, I will either get into more of a pre-pregnancy shape or it won’t be in the cards and I will be accepting of that.

What have you done to stay healthy in the first trimester?

I’ve gotten as much sleep and rest as possible. Luckily, my job is flexible, so I’ve rested when I needed to and shifted around my schedule to accommodate my health. I didn’t sweat what I was putting into my body, which I guess is both healthy (mentally) and somewhat unhealthy physically. In an ideal world, it would be tons of protein and veggies, but in reality, whatever I could stomach at any given moment was the best I could muster.

Weekly acupuncture has been my saving grace during this time, as it combines healing rest and care with anti nausea benefits. It’s also just really lovely to have someone take care of me, which I know is hard for many women to find/allow for themselves.

Now that you’re out of the first trimester, what advice would you give to someone at the beginning of their twin pregnancy journey?

The minute you know you’re having twins, lock down your provider and schedule your appointments. I was initially scheduled with my midwife who does home births (we tried a home birth with my third kiddo), but they don’t do twins. I was lax in finding another provider, so I was not able to get into my first choice provider and this caused a lot of unnecessary phone calls and stress.

Rest whenever you can and rely heavily on your partner or another trusted friend/family member. Don’t be a hero. You’re already carrying two babies, so you’re automatically a badass with nothing to prove. If you’re not able to take the rest you need, which is unfortunately common in our society, just know that you do deserve that and it’s not your fault if you’re not able to get it. You’re doing the best you can with the resources you have.

I hope you enjoyed this trip through my first trimester. I plan to do a follow up interview for the second trimester. If there are any questions I didn’t ask/answer, please message me in the comments or visit me on IG at @moreandmerrierlife