The Beginning

This time last year, the pile of moving boxes accumulating in the corner of the living room signaled the end of my marriage.  The pile grew over the course of a week, and one day they were gone.  Artwork that we had chosen together, towels we had dried our kids off with, kitchen supplies we had cooked holiday meals with along with the personal belongings identifying the fourth member of our family. 

This family of four was now reconstructed as two families of three.  Two houses, two bedrooms for each kid and half the time in each.

A couple of days after that jarring realization set in, my babies left my house to spend the first weekend at their Dad’s new one.  If you have ever been through this milestone, then you know the raw pain that courses through your body as you put on a happy face, give your babies the tightest squeeze and…just walk away. 

That day I walked away from the vision I had of raising my children side by side with their Father, of knowing their warm little bodies were sleeping right down the hall from me every night and of building a life together as a couple.

The thought of spending that first evening alone without my children sounded excruciating, so I tucked that pain neatly away, and set about texting every friend I knew to see who would go out to the bar with me that night.  Sure, sitting with my feelings and acknowledging the pain alone may have been the “healthier” way to go about it, but how do I say this politely?  Fuck that.  The pain threatened to engulf me, and I had to get out.  Self-reflection would come soon enough, but tonight was not that night.

As luck would have it, I couldn’t get a single friend to come out with me that night, so I projected confidence that I was far from inhabiting and went out alone to numb the pain. 

The First Three Months

The first three months of my separation were the most challenging emotionally.  Making decisions regarding asset splits, child support, spousal support, custody schedules and house sales destabilized me to my core.  Every decision needed to be made with care and consideration for all involved, and every day there was new paperwork to sign or another point to review.  I wasn’t sleeping well, I felt like a terrible Mother, and I needed to bring my best self to the co-parenting table which wasn’t always easy.

I cried every day for months and would have panic attacks thinking about finances.  I was making major life decisions opposite the very person I had intertwined my life plans with for the past ten years.  I had major Mom guilt as my energy got sucked away trying to hold my shit together, and I put this insane pressure on myself to be both Mom AND Dad when my kids were with me.  To add insult to injury I picked up a new set of crow’s feet and forehead breakouts I had never experienced even as a hormonal teenager. 

The Turning Point

In the midst of all the pain, anxiety and insecurity there were other forces at work.  The craziest thing about your life imploding is that the silver linings can’t help but join the party.  There were so many days where I felt like I was drowning and the pain would never end, but a small voice inside reminded me that my strength and power were sitting there right below the surface waiting to be tapped. 

What follows are the reasons why I can sit here writing this a year later and not feel broken, but rather, a work in progress with all the excitement, trepidation and optimism that a new chapter brings.

Friends + Family

2020 was not the year to get a divorce.  Being cut off from friends and family was heart wrenching, but despite the distance, folks showed up for me and my kids in a big way.  Following the release of an email letting everyone know about our decision to divorce, I had a flood of emails, texts, calls and gifts.  Not everyone experiences the support I had, and I can’t stress enough how much it buoyed me.  Friends and family were there for me emotionally, but also practically with gifts of dinners, clothing, furniture and household goods.

One particularly touching experience occurred when I moved out of the family home a few months after the separation.  A friend of mine came over to help me pack, which was exactly what I needed with my stress level at a 11.  A few days later, when I went to unpack the boxes in my new house, I saw the notes.  On every box my friend had packed, she had written inspiring words like “You’re a badass Mama” or “You’ve got this!”. 

I bawled for ten minutes straight. 

To Summer- thank you for knowing exactly what I needed in that moment.

New Home

I considered staying in the family home for a couple of months because I was afraid of change and terrified of losing a very tangible anchor to my former life.  While checking out my options, I saw an adorable house for sale in my neighborhood that would be perfect for us.  I wasn’t sure if I could afford it and by the time I realized I couldn’t, it had been sold anyway.  I put the house out of my mind and continued exploring other possibilities. 

Just one week later the house popped up for rent.  I called the realtor and scheduled a tour for that day.  Four hours later I had submitted my application.  One day later I was signing my lease.  A week later I was moving in, and two weeks after that COVID-19 arrived on the scene in Washington State.  I got an offer on my house 12 hours before lockdown slowed the real estate industry (and everything else) to a grinding halt.

Timing is everything, and I could not be more grateful for the memories we are building in this new house.

Taking Action

Moving into my new home was the catalyst I needed to begin taking stock of my life and my priorities.  I had just experienced a massive life shake up, and now I was ready to begin rebuilding my life as a single Mom of two.  The three major actions I took this year to build my new foundation were hiring a life coach, getting back into therapy and quitting drinking. 

Hiring a Life Coach

After taking five years off to raise my kids and only going back to work four months before my separation, I was terrified about my career prospects and making enough to support myself and my children.  While I had landed a great position within an awesome company, it was outside the creative fields I had education and experience in.  I wanted guidance on how to make the transition from family team member to head of household and what that would mean for me in terms of career choices.

I’ll speak more to the process and outcomes in a post coming soon, but hiring Jenna as my coach was the reason I started this blog and the reason I was finally able to fully embrace and love who I am.  Making the choice to hire her and committing to changing my mindset turned this year around for me.

Therapy

I have been in and out of therapy and on/off medication since I was 16 years old and diagnosed with depression and anxiety.  I took a few months off therapy after our separation because the anxiety of trying to get to an appointment outweighed the possible benefits (in my stressed mind).  My friends and family are an incredible support system, but I didn’t want to rely solely on them. 

By recommitting to therapy, I have been able to heal past wounds, reduce my self-flagellation and become more comfortable with vulnerability.  My therapist is part of the A Team that has shepherded me through this year, and I am so grateful for her support and my health insurance that makes it affordable and therefore possible.

Sobriety

I am still not entirely sure if I would categorize myself as an alcoholic, but drinking was definitely holding me back from living the life I wanted.  In late spring of 2020, I decided that I would give drinking a rest for a week.  The effect of not drinking for a week was so profound, that I decided then and there that I couldn’t continue doing something that had such a clear negative effect on my life.  Since making that decision, I feel like I am a better Mother, more patient and more present in my life than ever before. 

I started the year numbing my pain with alcohol, and ended it ringing in the new year with a glass of sparkling apple cider and no hangover the next morning.  I am so grateful for listening to my intuition and setting aside my fears that I couldn’t get through life’s ups and downs without a cocktail in hand. 

Silver Linings

The support systems and actions above paved the way for countless silver linings and my ability to fully appreciate them.  Having every other weekend free took some getting used to, but I now look forward to time that is mine alone.  This time has allowed me to consider what is important to me as an individual and not just as a Mom or a member of a family. 

I have the freedom to blast whatever music I choose, decorate my home exactly the way I like and occasionally leave the dishes in the sink because the only person I will annoy is myself. 

I have embraced travel with just the kids and I (COVID safe, no flights, local Airbnb’s only), hosted family sleepovers in my bedroom, set off fireworks for the first time ever, got two tattoos, brought a piano into my life and threw two pandemic birthday parties.  I also discovered that I can live through my worst case scenario and thrive and co-parent better than I had ever hoped.

And perhaps the biggest twist to this crazy year was that I fell in love. 

Remember that night I went out alone to numb my feelings?  I stayed up all night talking to this great guy, and we just celebrated one year together. 

But that’s a story for another day.

It’s been a big year for all of us. What were your most memorable highs and lows in 2020?

With love,

Steph