One year ago today, the day after my daughter’s third birthday, I sat down with my kids and their Dad and told them that we were getting a divorce.  We planned our conversation with them carefully, read as many articles as we could get our hands on and prepared for the most heartbreaking response. 

What they actually said wasn’t in any article I read, and I had a hard time wrapping my head around it for a long time.  It was a reminder that every single part of a divorce story is unique for everyone who goes through it. 

What follows isn’t right or wrong, it just is.  This is my story about my fears that I would break my children with the worst news I could imagine, and how they and I turned out to be far more resilient than I could have ever dreamed. 

I remember thinking in the days after my ex and I decided to move forward with a divorce that if I could just see how all this would look in a year that I would be more prepared, or the situation would be easier.  I would make all the right decisions, I could let go of anxiety (or channel it better) and I could take away the weight of uncertainty.  My chief concern was how to break the news to our two children, then ages 3 and 5, and how they, and I, would handle it.

We decided to gather the two of them up in our bed on a Sunday morning, still warm and cozy in their jammies, unaware of the grenade we were going to drop on them. 

We kept the details concrete. 

Mama and Papa have decided not to live with each other anymore. 

We love you both so much, and nothing will change that. 

Mama and Papa will live in different houses, which means you will have two houses to live in. 

You will spend half your days with Mama and half your days with Papa. 

You will go to your same schools, and you will have your same friends.

We love you both so much, and nothing will change that.

Do you have any questions for us? (deep inhale)

Our five-year-old: Two houses?!  Yay!  I’m so excited!

Our three-year-old: Can I have my hair clips at both houses?

We looked at each other like “WTF?”  Did they not hear us?  Did they not understand what this means?  Where are the tears?  Where is the bargaining?  Where is the anger?  Where are the hard questions?

I was ready to go all Mama bear on this situation.  Gather up my innocent babies in my arms, validate all their feelings and hold them until their tears stopped.  Instead, we went through the list again, asked again if they had any questions (no) and moved on with our day.

In the months that followed, there was furious paddling beneath the surface on my part as I struggled with reaching settlement agreements, watching my ex move out, and moving to a new home myself.  What kept me moving forward was reading stories about other divorced families and how they adapted to their new dynamic. 

What follows are some of the decisions that worked for our family to get us through year one in one piece. 

Custody schedule.  It was never a question that we would have 50/50 custody.  We are both equally committed, loving and capable parents, and as much as I’ve struggled being a part-time parent, I would never want to take away time from my ex or have the kids see their Dad less.  Due to our proximity (two houses away, then five minutes away) plus the young age of the kids, we went with a slightly unorthodox schedule. 

To keep it out of the weeds, we basically have them every other weekend and they see us every other day.  This schedule amounts to no more than two days apart from either parent, unless we are operating on a vacation schedule or there are work conflicts involved.

We have supported each other through the pandemic, and took turns with remote learning in the spring.  We have also remained flexible, and swapped days when needed.  I have found that the schedules works well for me, as I don’t get overwhelmed with multiple days in a row with young children on my own, and conversely, I am not missing them for very long when they’re at their Dad’s house.

Holidays + Birthdays.  One of my best friends recently mentioned to me that her divorced parents weren’t in the same room with each other until her college graduation.  That gutted me.  We have approached holidays and birthdays with the understanding that the thing our young kids want most right now is to have their favorite people in the world with them on big holidays and their birthdays. 

That desire may change when they get older, and we’ll roll with that when the time comes.  For now, we’ve successfully celebrated both of their birthdays, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hanukkah and (soon) Christmas.  We may not always be able to celebrate together, especially if we travel to see family, but we are striving to make a point to involve the other parent whenever possible.

Shit talk.  We don’t do it.  Period.  I’m on good terms with my ex- I think he’s pretty great actually.  I always remind myself that my kids are half him.  If I’m talking smack about their Dad in front of them, I’m talking smack about them.  I think my kids are pretty cool, so they also remind me of the way their Dad is cool too.  Staying in that mode is helpful for everyone.

Comparison.  This one is the hardest to deal with, but I am starting to come to terms with it.  When we first got divorced, my Mom guilt went into overdrive.  I was already prone to feeling like I wasn’t a good enough Mother, so this divorce really took me to the edge. 

All of a sudden, I felt like I had to be super Mom.  I had to cook wonderful meals, be patient and in tune with all of their emotions, play with them all the time, come up with great activities every time I had them, the list goes one.  Over time I realized that a) no one can do everything, even if you are in an intact family and b) their Dad and I have different strengths. 

I made the choice to spend more time focusing on the things I am strongest in, and can accomplish without losing my sense of self and my sanity, and less time on everything else. 

I’m great with hugs, baking projects, arts+crafts and FEELINGS.  I value family dinners, discussing gratitude and having glow stick dance parties. I won’t be going on hikes with them (every) weekend, I’m not the best Lego building partner and playing make believe with stuffies is something I avoid like the plague. 

All this to say, I can’t be everything to my kids.  They have their Dad, their extended family, their friends, our friends, teachers, etc to fill the needs that I can’t.

Love.  My children are so loved.  I operate on an abundance model with love.  I can never tell them enough times in the day that I love them.  That they are wonderful human beings that I’m psyched to know.  That no matter what they do or say, I love them, even if I don’t like what they did or said.  I squeeze them with hugs, I shower them with kisses, and I thank my lucky stars (and match.com) that nearly eleven years ago I met their Dad.

None of the above strategies are easy, except the love bit, and it takes conscious effort to execute them openly, lovingly and with compassion, but today my kids are thriving. 

They are each other’s best playmate, they love their school, teachers and friends.  They race to their Dad’s door when I drop them off, and they jump into my arms when he drops them off at mine.  They understand what divorce means now, and although they love when we’re all together, they can also confidently explain their living situation without shame and without skipping a beat. 

If I knew a year ago that I would be writing this post, that my children and I would be doing this well…

Well…I couldn’t have known. 

But what I know now, is that change is terrifying AND filled with so much possibility.  Walking into the unknown, seemingly alone, felt like a tidal wave of anxiety.  The course of my life, and my kid’s life, will forever be changed by the decision to divorce. 

It’s neither right or wrong, it just is.  So I’ll shift my gait, I’ll do my best, and I will look for opportunities for myself and my kids where I can. 

With love,

Steph