How Big Are We Allowed to Dream?

My brother and I as kids…dreaming big.

“How did you decide that you could dream big?”  I posed the question to my older brother this past weekend.

For context, I have been grappling with the notion of allowing myself to dream big.  How big is too big?  Where do my kids fit into this picture of dreaming big for myself?  Is dreaming big the answer or just a foolish gamble?  Is it childish or the path towards success?

I grew up with two strong role models – my Mom and my Dad.  My Mom’s dream was to be a Mother and a homemaker, and she absolutely killed it.  She was (and still is) my emotional bedrock, the organizer of the family and the reason my Dad could pursue his dream and have the family life/Fatherhood he desired.  My Dad is one of the hardest working people I know.  He chased down his dream, became successful by all accounts and never seemed to give a moment’s pause to be anything other than motivated to pursue that dream.

Herein lies the rub; as luck would have it, I am equal parts Mom and Dad.  I have an innate desire to chase dreams in addition to Motherhood, but I have always tempered them in some form or another around my plan for or my duties to my family life.  This isn’t a unique struggle.  Women the world over struggle for that balance between family life and professional life, or if the dream is centered around family life, balancing your needs as an individual with those of your children and/or significant other.  Of course, men experience this tension as well, but to a larger extent, women are fed the message that we can’t do both well.

When I became a single Mom this year, all of a sudden, I went from being a part of a household- part of a team- to being the head of the household.  Now, my co-parent and I are still very much a team when it comes to our kids and their needs, but my perspective shifted.  I wanted to show my children, and myself, that I could encompass both sides of myself – Mom and Dad. 

That perspective shift led me to create this blog, and the post you’re reading now, but even making this leap towards fulfilling a dream of mine had limits.  “Just make enough to supplement your full-time job” or “You’ll never be as influential as (insert big name blogger here), and that’s okay”.  I began to question why I was putting limits on my dream, and in doing so, thought of my older brother who has pursued success seemingly unfettered by limits. 

When I posed the question: “How did you decide that you could dream big?”  he answered in a way that he felt wasn’t necessarily helpful or actionable, but I disagreed.  To paraphrase a much longer answer, he said simply “I was born with a lot of advantages, so I never had any hang ups and pursued my dreams accordingly.”  On face value, you could argue that since he was born with advantages, of course he’d have confidence and become successful, but we all know people who were born with plenty of advantages who coast through life at best or squander those advantages at worst. 

What struck me most was his ability to get past the potential hang ups. 

I recognize the inherent privilege I have in even being able to contemplate a question like this, so I’m aware that this post won’t speak to everyone, but for those with a sneaking suspicion that you could be dreaming bigger, take a look at the stories you’re telling yourself or that others are feeding you.

Some of the stories I tell/have told myself:

“You can’t be the Mother you want to be if you’re too successful.”

“You don’t need to be super successful, just make $X”

“Your mental health will suffer if you dream big/realize your dreams.”

“There are enough people out there doing what you’re doing.  There’s not room for one more.”

“This is a fantasy.”

Those are all excellent, completely reasonable and potentially factually sound points.  They might also all be a load of horse shit, but what if some, or all, of those stories come true?  This question gets to the second part of my brother’s response, which is basically the same as the first “Don’t get hung up if the dream doesn’t pan out as expected.” 

Here’s the takeaway, if you’re struggling with this tension in yourself. 

Dream big.

Don’t get hung up on the stories you or others tell you about yourself.

If the dream doesn’t go as planned, love yourself anyway, let it go and take the skills and lessons learned with you.

Move on to the next big dream.

Are you struggling with this?  Are you a stay-at-home parent who secretly wants to be back working or wants to finally learn to play guitar like a badass?  Are you amazing at your job, but have always thought you’d be a great voice over artist?  Do you have a lifelong dream of being able to do the splits, but you’re old AF and every time you get up from the sofa you let out a small moan as your tendons creak?  I want to hear your dreams – whether you think they sound big or not.  I’m already so excited for you.

With love,

Steph